i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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