My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
