I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
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You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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