I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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