i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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