she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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