ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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