god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
