You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.