Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize