then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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