Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
