What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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