I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
