maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
