Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
