Swine flu is the new snow day.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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