im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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