I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
