So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
