someone threw a dead crab at me
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
