So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
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The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
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i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
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