I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
