Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
