Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It was confusing and full of hummus
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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