I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
