she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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