You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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