Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hippo gnu deer
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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