I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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