I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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