12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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