mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
