My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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