is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
