also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
