i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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