I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
