Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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