I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
