I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
