I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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