On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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