I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
