I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
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Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.