what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms