Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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