I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
