I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
