my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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