the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
