went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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