My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi