just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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